When last we left our hero, Ivan of the Bellmans, he was about to roll-up on a pool party in Chicago with the cast of PERICLES, now running at the Goodman. The name of the game was Water Polo but we have some hurdles to jump before I can lay my skizielles to bear on the liquid court. Alcohol, Prozac and tight swimwear led me to flashbacks of having the crap beat out of me by the sons of Teamsters on Saturday mornings at the New York Athletic Club (NYAC).

I wish I had a big brother like Ryan Artzberger or a butchey older sister like JoMama Settle, both of whom I know from The Yard. In fact, on my first outing with them, back in the dizay, I managed to piss off a carload of Frat Boys, only to survive a certain pummeling thanks to my new fangled homies running interference.

Mr. Artzberger is currently playing the title-roll in PERICLES, to packed houses and much critical acclaim. He is fast becoming a household name among the Windy City’s denizens of the lost art of live performance. Also mad respect has to go to anyone who knows that despite the occasional anomaly of “Get Your Roll On” or “Back dat Ass Up”, the Cash Money Millionaires are largely fools.

JoAnna Settle is the Artistic Director of Division13, a company that was doing great guns in Chicago before they moved to NYC. She is now touring her very successful show THE NINE PARTS OF DESIRE. This is one of those plays where I put my political feelings aside because I am so devoutly loyal to anyone who has saved me from a beat down. Same with my other compatriot from the Yard who divulged to me in The Cuff that he didn’t think much of the director of PERICLES but could imagine her in a quaint craft store telling trite little stories. Don’t want you guys to think I am getting soft ;-)…

I’m sorry to digress into these profiles of the demimonde (Ani Weisman and DumDiDum think there are too many inside jokes . . . put your money where your mouth is n’ post a comment, Bitches!) but if I didn’t who would? You also gotta love these guys ‘cuz they are parents. Its one thing to bust your ass making art in a country where the height of culture is recasting Gilligan’s Island with soap opera actors. It’s another to do it AND bring children into the world . . . Props to their respective Baby Mommies and Daddies as well.

Oh, the pool party. No I didn’t get any. I mean, how am I supposed to get my groove thing on when President Bush gives Iran the Ol’ One-Two in his State of the Union? I tell ya, if democracy was going to take seed anywhere in the Middle East, it was going to be in Iran. Well, this was before Jimmy Carter. Okay, Mr. Roboto doesn’t like it so much when I rock the soapbox so I will kill it here. Tune in next week and I’ll try to figure out who Jesse J is sleeping with now. Also see if you can handle some seedy stories as relayed to me by Tracy Letts while Terry Kinney takes his life into his hands by letting me drive his ass to Normal . . . yeah, right . . . .