F**k Gallup, Here’s a Poll. Special Interactive Feature!

During my recent stay in Amsterdam (brilliantly chronicled in my column “Greetings from Ho-Land, Pts 1-8; check the archives) I became addicted to Friendster, a site that previously unnerved me. Its format seems to me dangerously close to the ominous diagrams they showed us in Health Class about how AIDS is spread–you know, “If you make the wrong and immoral decision to have sex with someone, then you’re sleeping with everyone they’ve ever slept with, and everyone they’ve ever slept with, and everyone they’ve ever slept with, and sooner or later, but probably sooner, one of those people is going to have AIDS.” Or be ugly. Friendster frightened me, but I was lonely, and in my solitary, masochistic delving into the world of married ex-boyfriends and smug ex-friends, I discovered that our two presidential candidates, Mr. John Kerry and Mr. George Bush, are Friendsters.

I quickly accessed John Kerry’s account, read his profile and interests–kayaking, bicycling, hunting (right!), saving America from itself, checked out the photos of him looking sunburned and athletic, read his testimonials that range from the exuberant to the desperate, clicked some buttons, and in less than 12 hours I was John Kerry’s friendster.

I looked up George W. Bush on his friendster link, eager to see what his hobbies were. Praying? Blinking? Creative Writing? Watching mud wrestling with Mary Cheney? Imagine my shock when I, A TAX-PAYING AMERICAN, COULD NOT OPEN THE PROFILE OF MY OWN PRESIDENT. That’s right. I AM NOT CLOSELY CONNECTED ENOUGH TO A FRIEND OF BUSH TO EVEN SEE WHAT HIS FAVORITE FUCKING MOVIE IS. Three degrees, that’s all it takes to check someone out on-line. Three degrees. I do not have a friend of a friend of a friend who knows anyone who is voting for Bush. How?

So my question is, does anyone? Are you, or anyone you know, voting for Bush? And why? NOTE: FAMILY IN THE STATES YOU FLED DO NOT COUNT. I REPEAT. FAMILY IN STATES WHERE NO ONE HAS HEARD OF DANCE THEATER OR TAPAS DOES NOT COUNT. We are looking for lucid answers to unravel the Bush mystique, and I want to hear it from people I could see on the L train. People who are on Friendster. Consider yourself a part of an elaborate anthropological experiment. Thank you for your time.

And yes, of course, our website is wildly biased, but I don’t have to be fair. I’m not Fox News.

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